New blog

Ok... So I'm getting rid of this blog. I can't keep up with it because my life is boring. lol..

I've started a new blog if anyone wants to read it. It's called Confessions of an Infertile Army Wife.

Thanks!

Lets update this thing

Most people who read this already know about my accident, and have seen the pictures. Those who haven't, this was my car. We were hit by a tractor trailer and pushed into a previous minor accident on the side of the road where I struck a police officer and his cruiser and pinned a woman's leg. Everyone is fine, thank God!! I am so happy and blessed to be alive. This is kind of where everything started going crazy on me. School was going well, and life was moving right along progressivly. The morning of my accident I was on the phone to Walter Reed trying to get an appointment and getting frustrated with them for not charting correctly and being rude. I remember thinking something quite aweful and then I left for class. After class Patrick and I went to Potomac Mills (an outlet mall) and got some stuff and then lunch and headed home. Driving north on 95, I remember being behind the wheel and having a nice conversation with Patrick. Traffic began to slow and I instantly got annoyed because it was obvious they were all slowing to almost 35MPH to stare at this accident thats off on the shoulder. I pointed and said something to Pat about them just being nosey and the next thing I knew my air bags were in my face and my car is flying out of control and spinning and hitting things along the way. The feeling when the car stopped was this big sigh of relief and this huge panic. I remember thinking, 'what happened, what did I do, is Patrick ok, oh my God, my car.' Everything is over, and I'm finding it hard to get back into the swing of things. My school work suffered because of the stress of only one car between us, my inability to catch up after the week off, the stress of the money situation because of the accident. We were charged initially because we were lied to about insurance, and now we receive bills that have to be taken care of by the guilty party. We weren't paid full worth of our vehicle as promised by the insurance company, and now we are stuck with one car. Granted, it was a 2002 dodge neon with 82,000 miles, but it was worth 4700 not 4000. We can't find a car of equal value in it for that amount of cash. At least, not around here. I still have problems driving on the highways around here. I feel myself having a panic attack everytime I'm cut off, or someone flies up beside me and just cuts over all 5 lanes of heavy traffic. If you have ever driven in the DC area, you would know this is a common thing. Patrick has been amazing about everything. He even gets up in the morning and drives me to campus when he can, so that I don't have to worry about it. I have never felt so lucky to have such a great husband.

Patrick is getting crap at work, but it comes with the job I guess. Just some E-5 on a power trip thinking he deserves things that are way out of his jurisdiction. Patrick is dealing quite well with this. I'm suprised to see him so "calm" about this. I mean, he is all pissed off, but he isn't all about getting back at this guy or going above his head, (which he should be, but thats another story) he's just dealing with it. On a positive note, he's in his Class A's every morning for 2 weeks. Patrick's cell phone just took a crap. It was a touch screen and randomly stopped working. He can't do anything with the screen, it doesn't recognize it. AT&T informed him the only options is get out of his contract now for $175, renew his contract for a new phone, or stick out the rest of the contract with this phone he can't do anything with. We are either renewing or going to another company. I personally think that if he didn't break the phone, they should just give him an equal equivelant until his contract is up. It's just some cheap phone, not a smart phone.

We got a new puppy! His name is Patton and he's an adorable black lab mix. He's the cutest thing ever. He's doing good with potty training, but the chewing is getting problematic. Him and Cuda get along well. She is better around other dogs now. My parents put down my childhood kitty. He had intestinal cancer and they decided to put him down to relieve his pain.

Other than this stuff, life is moving. Still taking lots of meds, and I'm switching my college major. I'm taking classes in order to get the ball rolling.

Yet another rupture

So I had another cyst rupture this week. I'm starting to get headaches, nausea, weak, tired, and dizzy. :sigh: I just hate this stuff and the naproxen isn't working. I've made my heating pad my new teddy bear. I'm still waiting for a period so I can get my tests underway and move forward.

Patrick has had no days off the whole month of September. I don't count days off for staff duty because they are both spent sleeping. He had staff duty twice and only one of those did he get the two days off. This weekend was suppose to be his first four day again since they are on a 10 on 4 off schedule :eyeroll:. I just received a text message saying he only gets the weekend off, no four day. I can't keep doing everything myself around here. It's one thing if he's deployed, but it's a complete other when he's here at home with me and I still can't see him, or have him home sometime during the day or the week. I have put together a 6' tall bookcase and a new tv stand that weighed about 500lbs. Moving that thing was a pain in the ass. Poor patrick gets the brunt of all my anger from these people at this point. I feel bad because I get so pissed off, but I can't help it. This weekend we have a picnic with the other lab people and I really don't want to go. I feel like they take enough of Pat's time and we need some us time.

Life is nothing new at this point. I'm still going to college and taking it one day at a time and studying my butt off. Patrick is well, just exhausted. So, life is moving forward and I'm just here for the ride for now.

Just another day.

So, school has started. It's taking up all of my time. I constantly worry about getting into the program so I can finish this ever going school saga. I have 5 classes and none of them are a breeze. With transfer credits I have fulfilled my elective requirements, and most of my program prereqs. I'm mainly just fulfilling college requirements except for a mico class and a stats class. I feel a bit lost. I go to my Micro class and I don't understand a thing she's talking about. I can study and study but all I'm doing is memorizing facts, not understanding them. Patrick is great at explaining things when I'm all confused. The problem is, he's never home. He works evenings, and 10 days in a row. Thats only when the schedule isn't being changed because of one thing or another. So I maybe see my husband for 5 hours the whole week. I really think that everything is just starting to weigh down on my shoulders. I really just want us both to finish school so we can move to another chapter of our lives. I'm sick of doing everything alone. I'm sick of living my life alone. I'm sick of having friends yet being the forgotten one on the sidelines. I'm sick of having nobody around and nothing to do on a friday night when my husband has to work. I haven't been out with anyone besides my husband in over a month, and it's sad.

We finally had an appointment at Walter Reed. If you don't already know, Patrick and I are so far unable to have babies. I talked to my doctor about it after a trip to the ER. The ER doc said I had a ruptured cyst. Then my doctor said that he thinks I have PCOS. What he actually said was "Thats the diagnosis we are going to go with, because thats how it sounds. " After six months of being on thyroid meds and metformin I decided to call for a referral appointment to an OB/GYN so that maybe we could get a handle on things. I wanted someone who knew what they were talking about. I seen another doctor about the referral, who was honest in saying she had no idea about this syndrome herself. She told me to call about a week later for an appointment at OB/GYN. I called and they told me there was another referral for me to the fertility center at Walter Reed. I had that appointment, and the doctor laid out this huge plan for determining my ability to have kids and a course of action for it. It was filled with bloodwork almost every week and lots of meds. She went and spoke to the staff doctor (she was yet another intern :eyeroll:) and she cancelled everything. I have to go for this test in which I have to have a period for. I don't have them typically. I usually have to wait 4-6 months or so. Part of those meds was to make me have a period so we could do this test and some clomid to see if I do ovulate. All the bloodwork was cancelled except one to check my hormone levels. I still need to have the procedure done, but they want to wait for my period to arrive on it's own. I don't see that happening anytime soon since I had one the begining of July. So I'm back to square one, where I'm just sitting on my thumbs waiting and waiting for something to happen.

With everyone in my family having babies left and right I didn't think it would be a problem for me. I do want to have babies, and my in-laws are always making comments about wanting grandkids and it's not easy because it's not something that I can help. For me, it seems like large things I want out of life are out of my reach. It makes me want to give it all up. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of being let down, I'm tired of getting my hopes up, and I'm tired of keeping it to myself because there is nobody around to talk to. At times I feel like I'm slipping into this depression that I can't bring myself out of. I try talking to my husband and his fix is just to suck it up. Last time I said something to him he told him his friend and him were trying to plan something. What does that have to do with me?? When I asked that, I was accused of refusing to be happy. I don't have anywhere to turn but myself.

I think I'm going to finsh up some studying and spend the rest of my lonely Sunday in a hot bath and a cup of coffee.

It's that time again

I've been slacking lately and figured updating this thing would be wise. I got into college here. I'm super excited about that. I really want to finish this thing. I've done orientation and I'm all set, except one problem. Money!! This university is really expensive and they have determined I'm out of state domicile. I can't claim in state for a year of being in state and paying state taxes. They gave me a site to check out about military spouse exceptions, but it was just the state regulation, and as us army wives all know, relulations are a pain in the ass to read and understand. My year won't hit until October. So thats a semester of out of state tuition and that sucks up all of my federal loans without paying fees, books, parking etc. I've been looking into ROTC lately. It's on my mind a lot since the cost of college is so high. I spoke with the Army and the Air Force. The Army was a bit disorganized and was off the cuff stuff from a new graduate. I really want to go back and talk to someone else, with the new questions I have. Patrick is all for this ROTC idea. He gets frustrated with me if I say I'm not sure I want to do this. I have a few major doubts. I have a few medical problems, my physical fitness isn't anywhere near ready and military is a huge decision.


Work is going ok. I'm still waiting for that training to finish. They are just giving me bullshit to tide me over. I wish they would just give me a straight answer. My checks are starting to get all messed up. I should be getting $15.85 an hour, but if they don't do specific things every week only get $8.10 for running the store myself. I refuse to do that work for $8.10/hr. I've told them when school starts I'm only doing weekends. I can't stress myself out. I have to stay focused and I want to succeed.

I've been having a lot of personal issues. Going over a lot in my head and trying to figure things out. It's kinda rough. I'm not sure what to do, what are the right decisions, how to fix certain things, what I want to do anymore, things like that. Patrick is trying, not doing so great with the understanding and listening part, but at least he's giving an effort. I've never been good at making decisions. I always go back and forth in my head for days/weeks/months, afraid I'm going to make the wrong decision. When I fianlly make the decisions I'm usually dissapointed with the outcome.

Our 3 year anniversary is Wednesday. I'm excited because this weekend Patrick is taking me away and won't tell me anything about it. It's the first anniversary we are spending together and we actually get to enjoy it. With his schedule lately, and the constant changes, it's hard to coordinate time together. The month of June he had off maybe 4 days, and that included the days he had off for his 2 staff duty days. He doesn't get training holidays, weekends, or normal holidays off, so I'm usually stuck working to pass the time, or sitting at home alone. He works a lot of second shift 1600-0000 but with him running PT 3 days a week he has to leave by 1400 and sgt time on thursdays makes him leave by 1330. Patrick finally got that ingrown toenail taken off. It was digusting and smelly by the time he finally went. I couldn't take smell anymore. They are worried about infection and he has to go back to make sure there is no bone infection after he starts to heal a little more. So I'm thrilled about that. He's hobbling around here lots in pain for now, but I know it'll be worth it in the end.

What to do?

I've submitted an application for a BSN at George Mason Univeristy about 2 months ago. I'm still waiting to hear back from them. I'm already considered out of state domicile, which sucks, but I can deal with it for the first semester. Well, since waiting and looking at my options I found a LPN program that has financial aid and I can be done in a year or less. I went and toured the school today and it's nice. Their classes are no bigger than 24 students at once and their lab equipment is new and really impressive for a small school. I'm not sure which one I want to attend. The LPN school is about $32,000 in total and the BSN is $12,000 for the first semester and $4,000 after that. I guess I'm just torn between what I want to do. I really am not that happy in my job at Giant right now, but thats a whole different complaint. This is a big important decision and Patrick is supportive to whatever I want to do.

Now about Giant. I love some of the people I work with and I don't mind the job that much, but I'm sick of doing the front end manager job without being the front end manager. I'm the ASSISTANT front end manager. I didn't sign up for a full time job and I didn't sign up to be taken advantage of. Our FEM has been out since wednesday because "her leg hurts". What kind of crap is that? She has a fit if one of the cashiers calls out for that kind of excuse, and here she is taking a whole week. When I start school then she can kiss my rear end because that comes first. I can't complain a whole lot about the hours and money because my savings account has never looked so good. Plus when we got the CX-9 we dropped an easy $4,000 on it. I enjoy living comfortably and having the extra savings ontop of paying $1,000 a month on the Mazda.

So thats my life. I've arrived at the crossroads and now I must decide which turn to make. God, please guide me in the right direction.

My day off

I had my only day off today. It was a great day. We bought a new car. I'm all excited about it. It's a 2008 Mazda CX-9 with all the trimmings. I'm so extremely exicted about that car. I kinda want to sleep in it. lol. I'll have to upload pics soon. The buying process made me late for my hair appointment, but I got to reschedule it.

I went to the salon today and got my hair redone. I love this stylist. She knows exactly what will look good. I love the blonde hair she gave me. My hair even looks awesome when I leave. It's silky smooth and just gorgeous.

I really don't want to return to work tomorrow. Although, I am getting up early for lunch and shopping with a girl from post. It should be fun. It's finally time I start making friends and getting out of this stinky house more.

On another good note, my meds aren't making me sick anymore. I'm finally getting use to them. Although, the thyroxin still makes me a mean lady. Patrick is still being great about the whole thing. He's being extremely supportive of everything for me so I couldn't be happier with him.

I finally think I got the school thing figured out. I sent off everything I need to process the application so I'm just waiting for the reply. I'm excited to be finishing school and getting my BSN. So heres to good times to come!