Just another day.

So, school has started. It's taking up all of my time. I constantly worry about getting into the program so I can finish this ever going school saga. I have 5 classes and none of them are a breeze. With transfer credits I have fulfilled my elective requirements, and most of my program prereqs. I'm mainly just fulfilling college requirements except for a mico class and a stats class. I feel a bit lost. I go to my Micro class and I don't understand a thing she's talking about. I can study and study but all I'm doing is memorizing facts, not understanding them. Patrick is great at explaining things when I'm all confused. The problem is, he's never home. He works evenings, and 10 days in a row. Thats only when the schedule isn't being changed because of one thing or another. So I maybe see my husband for 5 hours the whole week. I really think that everything is just starting to weigh down on my shoulders. I really just want us both to finish school so we can move to another chapter of our lives. I'm sick of doing everything alone. I'm sick of living my life alone. I'm sick of having friends yet being the forgotten one on the sidelines. I'm sick of having nobody around and nothing to do on a friday night when my husband has to work. I haven't been out with anyone besides my husband in over a month, and it's sad.

We finally had an appointment at Walter Reed. If you don't already know, Patrick and I are so far unable to have babies. I talked to my doctor about it after a trip to the ER. The ER doc said I had a ruptured cyst. Then my doctor said that he thinks I have PCOS. What he actually said was "Thats the diagnosis we are going to go with, because thats how it sounds. " After six months of being on thyroid meds and metformin I decided to call for a referral appointment to an OB/GYN so that maybe we could get a handle on things. I wanted someone who knew what they were talking about. I seen another doctor about the referral, who was honest in saying she had no idea about this syndrome herself. She told me to call about a week later for an appointment at OB/GYN. I called and they told me there was another referral for me to the fertility center at Walter Reed. I had that appointment, and the doctor laid out this huge plan for determining my ability to have kids and a course of action for it. It was filled with bloodwork almost every week and lots of meds. She went and spoke to the staff doctor (she was yet another intern :eyeroll:) and she cancelled everything. I have to go for this test in which I have to have a period for. I don't have them typically. I usually have to wait 4-6 months or so. Part of those meds was to make me have a period so we could do this test and some clomid to see if I do ovulate. All the bloodwork was cancelled except one to check my hormone levels. I still need to have the procedure done, but they want to wait for my period to arrive on it's own. I don't see that happening anytime soon since I had one the begining of July. So I'm back to square one, where I'm just sitting on my thumbs waiting and waiting for something to happen.

With everyone in my family having babies left and right I didn't think it would be a problem for me. I do want to have babies, and my in-laws are always making comments about wanting grandkids and it's not easy because it's not something that I can help. For me, it seems like large things I want out of life are out of my reach. It makes me want to give it all up. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of being let down, I'm tired of getting my hopes up, and I'm tired of keeping it to myself because there is nobody around to talk to. At times I feel like I'm slipping into this depression that I can't bring myself out of. I try talking to my husband and his fix is just to suck it up. Last time I said something to him he told him his friend and him were trying to plan something. What does that have to do with me?? When I asked that, I was accused of refusing to be happy. I don't have anywhere to turn but myself.

I think I'm going to finsh up some studying and spend the rest of my lonely Sunday in a hot bath and a cup of coffee.